Nearly every day I look at the keywords and phrases used to find this blog. Without fail, it’s an exercise in hilarity, and not just because the top referral continues to be “sex goddess”. That, in and of itself, is insane and entirely due to Michael Gray and his playful ranking help.

Some days I think someone is trying to send me secret messages.

For example, I’m convinced someone has issues with me because nearly every day the phrase “I love you I hate you” brings someone to this blog.

MSN should pay me for the daily referrals I send them for Ms. Dewey. Nobody uses her for search, do they?

And why don’t people just type in Ms Dewey and go to the search engine? Why read what I wrote about it in 2006? Sure, I was obsessed and all…

Sometimes I really, really don’t get how this blog comes up for certain phrases and I actually get traffic for the most absurd topics. Things like:

“women popping ballons naked” - If you found my blog with this, you’re scaring me. Just want you to know that.

“forum for forum owners” - I was happy to see I’m not the only looking for one.

“canceled flights from Chicago” - I get these search phrases several times a week. Anything I can do to help the travel industry and all. Not.

“why do women post nude photos on internet” - You’re asking me???

“you are such an inspiration” - Awww, shucks. Thanks!

“porn production” - Ok. I get the theme. I don’t get why you’re all coming here, however. I retired years ago.

tree usability” - New term?

“sexy hefty women” - Okay. Who’s spying on me?

“baseball pants” - Every day I get some baseball traffic because of this post. I sell a lot of usability reports this way. Not.

“how to get ms dewy to strip” - Please refer to my post about her stripping for my husband above.

“abandoned astronaut” - These words led to my blog twice. Guess they brought a friend.

“hot nerd women” , “sexy nerds” (or variations with the word “nerd” in it) - For the record, in high school, I was one of the cool kids.

I got to wondering that if someone wants to send me secret messages, all they have to do is look up words in my posts and combine them into sentences. Like “cre8pc you sexy nerd I love you” or “hi Kim its ms dewey I’m your lost gorgeous sister” or something silly that will catch my eye.

Or, you could just email me.

But heck. Where’s the fun in that?

Every time I think I’ve seen the world’s most idiotic attempt at spam, there is someone else who wanders into my world with something new that blows the previous brainless acts out of the water.

Such is the case of this line from a blog comment spam post making the rounds in the blogs of a few of my friends:

I know a lot of spammers and I will ask them not to post on your site.

Is he kidding? Not only will he personally go out and beat up your enemies, but to seal the deal, you have to promise to link to his site on your homepage, because as he so sweetly admits,

Its just done for higher rankings in search engines.

(Note. I’ve retyped my response to this five times and none of it is printable. So, I’ll just move on.)

The second unpleasant experience of late is the discovery of a “cre8asite” website that is nothing more than a spammy GoogleAdSense nightmare thrown into a blog. Cre8asite has a blog. It has belonged to Cre8asiteforums for years. It’s called Cre8tive Flow.

Our blog has no ads because our authors voted against it. Any ads that would be added would only give us more money to donate to educational endeavors. That’s our thing. It separates us from that other guy.

Whenever I want to see entertaining dumb stuff, I need only go as far as MyBlogLog stats. This is where I see humanity in all its glory.

Lately, they’ve searched for “blog goddess sex”. Why in the world they ended up at MY blog is a real mystery. How do blogs have sex? What is the goddess technique? Is it something I can learn? How soon?

A search for “Demi Moore” found my blog. I don’t look like her, but thank you anyway.

I get a ton of traffic from people looking up “MsDewey”, especially if you put the word “strip” with the search phrase. Someone actually searched on “how to strip MsDewey”.

HELLO! If she actually stripped in the MsDewey search engine, do you honestly think Google would still be the number one search engine?

Someone found my blog by asking Google, “What dimension are we?”

I’d like to know the answer to that one myself.

Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m in the right one.

Oui. Reading Lorelle VanFossen’s, What Should Bloggers Apologize For and How?, made me stop to wonder if I’ve ever written anything offensive to anyone on this blog. She asked if we bloggers have ever regretted anything we’ve written.

No Regrets

I think there’s a certain freedom of expression that comes with blog ownership and if bloggers write something regrettable, the horror of the experience can be enough to shut them up forever or they’ll ride the wave of backlash without batting an eyelash. I may not agree with that dumb thing they wrote, but I try to respect their right to screw up royally and I move on. Sometimes for good.

Some blog writers get their jollies by hurting people on purpose. I doubt that’s anything they regret and Lorelle’s post is scrambled eggs to them. While I personally don’t get a rise out of sites that degrade and humiliate other people, some blogs are designed to raise hell with no apologies. That’s their whole point.

A long time friend once told me that I should never have regrets. She felt they’re useless feelings that clog us up with nonsense. She says there are no regrets, only lessons we need to learn.

Another friend of mine would say to me, “Kim, let that one go! You don’t need that [insert decorative language here]!” In her fun way, she was trying to get me to unwrap and untangle myself so that I could be free to grow and keep experiencing new things. And make more mistakes.

Is that not what some of us do with our blogs? Our readers watch us grow, learn, change, experiment and make mistakes. We can’t be absolutely perfect every day.

So, if you’ve written something you regret in your blog, you can either torture yourself with a personal flogging, or just let it go. The reality is your mistakes remind us that behind your typed words there is a human being trying to figure out their Way.

I’m Sorry For

Lorelle writes,

The thrill of getting the news out first or getting your thoughts out now seems to be more important than the consequences of your words visible on the screen for all to see and search engines and other services to cache and save forever.

So have you ever published something and then regretted it and had to apologize for your actions?

Here is my list, just to cover my butt.

1. I’m sorry for not staying on topic. This is because I’ve long since forgotten what it is.

2. I deeply regret not writing something that the kind folks at Webpronews can use every day. I never know what the heck you people want, which is nice because when you run something from here, it comes as a sweet surprise.

3. I’m sorry for writing about my family. Some of you LOVE my “baseball pants in the freezer” stories and others of you…well. You haven’t learned to go with the flow here. By the way, my boy hit a home run yesterday and I got a call late last night that he made the All Star Team for the league he’s in now. He’s got a double header on Saturday. I will come home looking like a giddy mom lobster unless I remember to wear sunscreen. Which I won’t.

Sorry. Strayed off topic there didn’t I.

4. I’m so sorry I’m not naughty and “bad girl” enough. Since my days as an erotica writer are over (as if) and I have clients that expect me to be professional and gorgeously smart, I’ve needed to run a class act here. This means there are some styles of writing that don’t quite fit the “Blogger Guidelines So That Kim Behaves” document in my head. Now. For the record. The fact that I don’t talk trash in this or other blogs doesn’t mean I’m not a carefree dare devil woman with a talent for potty mouth quips. Some things are simply meant for the privacy of my own car.

5. I’m sorry for the occasional expertly written article or blog post. I’d write more of them but sometimes during the day I do that funny little thing called “work”.

6. I regret going on vacation and leaving you all here twiddling your thumbs because I know darned well that if I’m not here, you get out of your daily “Visit Kim’s Blog” routine and when I get back, I’m forced to retrain you all again to come back every day. When DID you all become little lab mice anyway?

The hardest thing about owning a blog is being perfect. I come here because I want to talk. I like you. I think it’s so cool you stopped by.

7. I’m sorry I can’t hug you in person.

I stopped by my friend Sophie Wegat’s blog to check on my buddy and saw she had taken the Nerd Test. I decided to try it too. Sexy women nerds are so hot, right?

Turns out I’m just enough nerd to be able to handle myself in public and not sound too stupid. According to the test results, I’m nerdier than half of the test takers so far.

I kinda like the “Lightly Nerdy” label.

It’s sorta like ice cream with a light dash of hot fudge on the top. Just enough to make an impression but not overwhelm the whole dessert.

Added>> My dear Australian buddy Mike has found these Header Earrings for tech women. I’ve typed 3 sentences of witty comments on this, but deleted them all. Click at your own risk.

Blogs must have taken a step into another dimension. Have you noticed this? They’ve been used to communicate different things in various formats, with each new experiment taking the blog consciousness into even deeper levels. Like as if we bloggers are all meditating together and in unison, rise up together to embrace a new way of getting inside the soul of our neighbor.

In other words, we’re getting nosy.

The latest fun and games, hot on the heels of link bait, which is, as far as I’m concerned, the online equivalent of flirting, are memes. Those are the “Why I do this thing I do” posts that tag folks at the end, so that they have a chance to admit that they also do that thing, or something else or never would touch that thing with a ten foot pole.

Barry Schwartz tagged me for one of those things. He decided to discuss Things I Wish I Would Be More Serious About, and felt I’d have a “colorful response”. Actually, I did, but we can’t type it here. (Just kidding.)

This topic has me in complete turmoil.

Barry writes,

There are things that I wish I was more serious about. Well, maybe not “serious” but “devoted to” or “scheduled to” to do on a daily basis.

I’m seriously hung up on the word “serious”. Why? Well, you see, there are these tiny frown marks between my eyebrows that got there because I’m so serious. I used to have a fiancé who would walk up to me, place two fingers on my face and try to spread the skin apart between the eyebrows to help erase the frown. (Picture the Spock greeting and you’ll get the idea.)

I discovered much later that anti-aging cream does the same thing .

You may not think I’m ever serious. I think I am. I’m grumpy as crap in the morning, which in my mind, is serious. The good news is that I come alive around 3pm and if you need someone to stay up gabbing with, I’m your gal. Except I’m usually working, because I’m most creative at night. If I could be devoted, or perhaps more disciplined is the better word, I would wake up every day and be happy morning came.

One of life’s mysteries is the one where people keep begging me to get drunk.

This has happened on family vacations and search engine marketing conferences. I don’t understand the appeal of seeing me snookered. Obviously, it’s a shock to meet boring me. And when I tell people I once ended up in a walking cast for 9 weeks because I fell off a bar while dancing the Charleston with a customer, nobody ever believes me.

I Wish I Was More Serious About

Getting back to Barry’s dedication, discipline, take things seriously, give a hoot topic, I confess that when I’m not being so freaking serious, I need to be more serious about:

1. Making money. I give away many things, including my time.

2. Reversing the age process. I’m about to hit a number that’s one number away from being a scary number. It’s not funny.

3. Breast reduction. If you need to ask, you’ve never seen my Webpronews videos.

4. Writing. I’m not very good at it, according to someone who posted a comment saying so at another blog. Remember, we bloggers hold onto every negative comment and let it outweigh all the encouraging ones. I would love to not be so sensitive, but guess what. Really. Guess what?

5. Finding my Center. This is, for those who really know me well, what I value the most. I’m not happy unless I love. It’s a basic truth and terribly complicated to explain but sometimes I can tell the instant people understand this about me.

It also frees me to laugh my head off and be “wifty”, which is what I’m called at home.

Remember that fiancé who tried to smooth out my frown wrinkles?

He now owns a massage school in New Jersey.

Tag

Wanna be tagged? I choose EVERYBODY at Cre8asiteforums who has a blog and ran out of ideas to write about. What do you wish you were more serious about, devoted to, or disciplined to do every day?

Update:

Some folks have jumped into this topic. Some favorites, who have also tagged others:

Shoemoney - The Pursuit of Happiness

Miriam Ellis - Things I wish I could be more serious about

Wendy Piersall - I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Regrets!

James Lewis - Things I Wish I Would Be More Serious About